Ryu2.mind

We all have our demons we've fought with.

For me, acceptance, and its dual, rejection -- in all their various ways, shapes and forms, are them by far. I've struggled with this for as long as I can remember. Yes, most Asian-American kids struggle with this all the time, but for me, this battle has defined the essence of much of my life.

Being different from the "others" in so many unique ways -- it was something I fought growing up. Applying for colleges, scholarships, graduate schools, jobs... it's always been that way -- that I had to succeed in an externally visible way to justify my shortcomings. Both before and after I became a Christian, I always felt apart from the mainstream social circle du jour, and that if I was part of something, it was more out of sympathy more than anything else.

Thankfully, the tide is starting to turn. Through many people who mentored me either implicitly or explicitly, and showed me that my source of joy must be ultimately found in the Lord, a lot of the past darkness and the hurt has been healed. The friends that I feel I've truly gone deep with are the ones who see me for what I am, beyond my external facade, beyond first impressions, and emphathize, even when I didn't want them to myself -- ultimately teaching me to exemplify Christ's own desire to seek the lost without abandon, while remembering that Christ suffered the ultimate rejection as well.

And yet, right now, with my spiritual and earthly life back on a upswing, why do I feel I still can do better? Why, despite getting plugged in more, am I still a bit inhibited in fostering and nurturing the many relationships I've developed?

I've been reflecting on this quote by Nietzsche -- hardly a man sharing my religious views, but one whom nonetheless has profound words at times:

"He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster. And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you."

In guarding my heart from being hurt, I have gradually locked it up so that it is impregnable. For years, I have hidden my emotions so that they are readable only to a trusted few, and have delibrately chosen not to expend time and energy to turn shallow relationships into deeper ones -- while at the same time, I selfishly expect others to do so themselves without reciprocity! These days, the walls are almost always built by me now.

I have become my own monster.

And I wish no more of this.

While I continue to seek after His heart first, let the walls come down for me in doing so, starting now. And, let me remember that reward comes only through some risk as well.

I've been thinking about birthdays... so goes this entry. Now, today isn't my birthday -- I didn't want to blog about my birthday on the actual date, so that people who read this blog whom forgot/don't know about my birthday aren't guilt-tripped into doing something, just because they're suddenly reminded. =)

Indeed, I've always been very passive about my birthday. If someone asks when it is, I will tell them, but to me, advertising it seems to me to be self-centered, as if you're telling others in the expectation that you'll get something in return. This may or may not be true, and it's one of these things about human behavior and social values I'm still trying to discern.

Similarly, I've always shyed away from planning my own birthday activities, for the same perceived reason, that people will think I'm self centered, when I want to act in my heart, as well as project an image of being exactly the opposite. If someone else throws a party for me, I will wholeheartedly join in and be thankful of it, but the key is that someone else has to do the organization and announcing, not me. The dilemma is that I like it when people celebrate it, but I don't know how to communicate that fact in a way that doesn't sound like I'm tooting my own horn, so to speak.

I was actually having some conversations with a couple of friends of mine, talking about what I was going to do. The advice I got was just to take matters into my own hands. I guess as you grow older, it's more acceptable to be your own host, but I still want to get others involved in it, so it's not exclusively about me, for me, and by me. What do you all think?

In any case, thank you to all those that emailed/IMed/called/spoke to me to express their wishes. It really makes my day, and one of my resolutions going forward is to similarly be concientious of other people's birthdays too... =)

I really liked Jim's latest entry a lot -- possibly one of the shortest, yet best entries I've read in a while. I worked with him on a daily basis for several years, I've seen him around church now and then, I even competed against him in science competitions in high school. He's a nice guy of course, but to actually read about his feelings after what he did to that guy really encouraged me and gave me a renewed sense of appreciation.

And with that, a realization about something I've been long pondering about just hit me -- I've always wondered what makes a good blog entry? For all the pontification that I and other have done on this subject, to me, it is simply this -- an entry that sheds light about an aspect of someone that wouldn't have been readily apparent otherwise to most. These types of entries are not the same as self-glorification or bragging, which I rarely find to be memorable (and abhorrent at worst).

I think that's this is what I really never did much of previously -- examine and discern my own self -- my personality with its passions and fears. And it's what's driving my renewed blogging -- my sense to explain myself somehow, where I'm coming from, and where I'm going to a larger -- albeit vaguer -- audience. A desire to communicate in writing, a form of communication that suits me and my extremely non-linear thinking much more than the spoken word. A desire to shed the veil of secrecy and mystery that I have built upon myself, and a way to cause me to look inwardly where I wouldn't otherwise have.

In that order.

It's something I've known and have always been reminded of, from friends, reading, and teaching alike. So, why have I been thinking of the third so much in my life recently?

I need more faith, trust, discernment, and patience to focus on Him and not her... :P

Above all, I need your prayers.

In our weaknesses, He is made strong, and that is what allows me to persevere for now.