Sometime in the past, I found a document on a blog of a sister from back home entitled "How Do You Know If You're In Love?" [Addendum: the entire document for those of you interested] Of particular help in guidance was a section called "Is It Love Or Is It Infatuation?" excerpted below. The points it spoke and the questions it asked have prompted me in the past to think long and hard whenever I've had an "interest" in certain people... reflecting on whether said interest was genuine for the right reasons.
And now I wonder as well, is my "interest" for this country able to be viewed and examined through a similar framework? What would it look like? How valid would the analogies carry forward?
It's far from perfect, but I find that examining my "relationship" with China using such a paradigm can still spark some interesting questions for long and serious thought... especially as the two year mark rolls around. My own thoughts and musings in italics...
Is it Love or is it Infatuation?
Test #1 - TIME
Love grows, and allgrowth requires time. Infatuation may come suddenly.
My first trip to China in 1991, I was pretty turned off. Eight years later, I came back with a changed heart of wanting to go back...
Test #2 - KNOWLEDGE
Love grows out of anappraisal of all the known characteristics of the other person. Infatuation mayarise from an acquaintance with only a few or only one of thesecharacteristics.
Nearly two years in-country for me... certainly, I've seen some of the dark side of this land beyond the glitzy documentaries in the international media. Am I honestly appraising these imperfections, or am I only focused on the "nice" parts?
Test #3 FOCUS
Love isother-person-centered. It is outgoing. It results in sharing. Infatuation isself-centered.
For whose glory am I working here for? Is it just so I can have a nice expat position to enhance my resume?
Am I allowing myself to be influenced, inspired, enlightened, and changed by those around me that I'm purportedly "loving"?
Test #4 SINGULARITY
Genuine love is centeredon one person only. An infatuated individual may be in love with two or morepersons simultaneously.
OK, I'm guilty of this as charged at times -- mistresses going by the names of Japan and the DPRK... =)
Test #5 SECURITY
An individual in lovetends to have a sense of security and a feeling of trust after consideringeverything involved in his relationship with the other person. An infatuatedindividual tends to have a blind sense of security based upon wishful thinkingrather than upon careful consideration, or he may have a sense of insecuritythat is sometimes expressed as jealousy.
Am I confident of my own work here, that it will have efficacy and yet be grounded in my own reality?
Test #6 WORK
An individual in loveworks for the other person or for their mutual benefit. He may study to makethe other person proud of him. His ambition is spurred and he plans and savesfor the future. He may daydream, but his dreams are reasonably attainable. Aninfatuated person may lose his ambition, his appetite, his interest in everydayaffairs. He thinks of his own misery. He often daydreams, but his dreams aresometimes not limited to the attainable and are given free rein. At times thedreams become substitutes for reality and the individual lives in his world ofdreams.
Is my work grounded in the reality of my own imperfection and my own brokenness? Am I thinking of myself more highly then I should be, especially vis-a-vis locals?
Test #7 PROBLEM SOLVING
A couple in love facesproblems frankly and attempts to solve them. If there are barriers to theirgetting married, these barriers are approached intelligently and removed. Suchas cannot be removed may be circumvented, but with the knowledge that what is doneis deliberate circumvention. In infatuation, problems tend to be disregarded orglossed over.
Do I brush aside the country's problems in various aspects? Am I engaging my local friends in discussing them and challenging them in finding solutions?
Test #8 DISTANCE
Love tends to beconstant. Infatuation often varies with the distance between the couple.
I do think about this country when I'm gone... but in what sense? Do I miss my friends, and the relationships, or just the superficial stuff (cf two entries ago)?
Test #9 PHYSICAL ATTRACTION &INVOLVEMENT
Physical attraction is arelatively smaller part of their total relationship when a couple is in love, arelatively greater part when they are infatuated. When a couple is in love, anyphysical contact they have tends to have meaning as well as be a pleasurableexperience in and of itself. It tends to express what they feel toward eachother. In infatuation, physical contact tends to be an end in itself. Itrepresents only pleasurable experience devoid of meaning.
I like to think of the equivalent of physical lust as that of the material variety, living like kings here, and letting the "novelty" of the so-called "expat" lifestyle get to me. I certainly have not been immune to this...
Test #10 AFFECTION
In love an expression ofaffection tends to come relatively late in the couples relationship. Ininfatuation, it may come earlier, sometimes from the very beginning.
Do I have an "affection" for this place? Has the reason behind it become more well-defined as I've lived here?
Test #11 STABILITY
Love tends to endure.Infatuation may change suddenly, unpredictably.
If this country suddenly reverted to the way it was back in the 1970s, would I or my other friends still be so gung ho about being here?
Test #12 DELAYED GRATIFICATION
A couple in love is notindifferent to the effects of postponement of their wedding and do not prolongthe period of postponement unless they find it wiser to wait a reasonable time;they do not feel an almost irresistible drive toward hast. Infatuated couplestend to feel an urge toward getting married. Postponement is intolerable tothem and they interpret it as deprivation rather than preparation.
Am I sowing the seeds here in China, without being under a results-oriented mentality waiting for them to bear fruit immediately? Am I disappointed if the Bride does not come immediately in the way I imagine she would be?
Adapted from Marriagefor Moderns by Dr. Henry Bowman
Comments (3)
Thanks for the advice. Perfect timing!
Posted by Neopolitan630 | August 9, 2006 8:13 AM
Posted on August 9, 2006 08:13
great thoughts. thanks for sharing the article!
Posted by everting | August 10, 2006 6:40 PM
Posted on August 10, 2006 18:40
wow, really helpful article. and the analogy to your love/infatuation to china is great. i definitely love China (although i love the US too...does that fail test #4?).
Posted by glenNice | August 10, 2006 7:39 PM
Posted on August 10, 2006 19:39