Ryu2.mind

[A somewhat sanitized and edited version of an email very recently sent to a few like-minded friends back home.]

Why do I feel in the doldrums lately?  It's a feeling of not... discouragement per se, but justapathy, as if I were stuck in the doldrums in a holding pattern not knowing where orwho to turn to next...

Things are less busy than before, and indeed, my life seems to bealmost settling into a routine, both professionally and otherwise...

And actually, this is the most ironic bit because I realize that all throughout my life, I thrive onpressure brought on by conflict or challenge... and that was whatmotivates and drives me to advance, a wind in the sails so tospeak.  Without that source of external pressure, things have beenless defined for me.  Case in point, in school and work, I almostalways (up to a certain point)function and perform better NEARER the deadline for something, forinstance, the pressure pushing me along.

My life here in SH has been no exception, I realize.  In my firstyear (has it been that long?!) here what drove me was a desire toget settled into a routine, to find community, a feeling of longing formore.  Now that I very recently feel moresettled and content with these communities, local as well as expat,over the last few weeks, I ought to rejoice and be thankful... which Ihave, but only superficially, while underneath Ifelt something else.

My hope is for a heart to relentlessly pursue righteousness... apursuit defined by a heart to understand the Character we should bestriving towards and emulating, and to see how we can apply them in ourdaily life situations.  But at times it seems I need to pursue thepursuit itself first, if you know what I mean. 

How does one shed this burden of not wanting satisfaction, but already being satisfied?