Ryu2.mind

Yet another work deadline has come and gone, and now I find time to reflect and introspect.

So, I had a conversation with a sister from church today. It started out somewhat superficial, but it became life-changing[*]. I like it when people are brutally honest with me, like she was. Several issues came up in that talk, the intersection between them which forms the crux of this entry.

You see, I'm certainly not a "gunner" type, I'll admit, but I don't like to fail -- whether in academics, career, ministry, or friendships. And recently, I've been plagued with insecurities over what I had perceived as "failure" in the latter category.

While many people at GrX who aren't intimate with me probably see me as someone who's humble, and content to be "behind the scenes", really, in my heart, I'm the opposite.

I live for explicit affirmation and assurance -- tho' the Chinese ren ren kua zhan probably represents it better in a succinct way than English. You see, analogously to grades, or performance reviews being a metric of my performance as a student or worker, what others visibly think of me have always been a metric for me in determining how I am functioning as a friend. Nor do I like those metrics to be ambiguous -- which explains my desire for "explicit" affirmation.

It's gotten to the point where it's like a addictive drug -- I get a buzz when someone "affirms" me, maybe by complementing me, by inviting me to an event, by sending me a card, etc.

Closely related to that, I try to be friends with everyone. For a long time, this has been my social MO -- whether at GrX, work, with college, high school friends. It pains me if I ever perceive a friendship "deteriorating", and I think like the shepard going after the one lost sheep, I really micromanage my relationships. Even if 99% of them are going well, if 1% feel I've "offended" them or made them "uncomfortable", I will lose lots of sleep and suffer emotional anguish over that.

That's how I've been viewing my friendships and relationships -- and the sister basically slammed me for it.

I think that part of it stems from my own past -- rejection has always been a demon I've battled because I'm different. When you live in a famine, you leap at the least scrap of food. And thusly, it was so for me, with the food being that of acceptance and assurance. Just like one can be addicted to food, so I think I've grown addicted as well.

I think that I've always had a sensitive spot for it. In my mind, I think to myself how I would never want to perpetrate the perceived injustices that others have forced on me throughout my life just because I was "different" from the rest. So I block it out, by trying to do exactly the opposite now that I'm building relationships myself. Even in this entry, I basically tell myself, I need to be a better friend -- but better in what way?

In trying to be "better", it hurts me -- cuts to the knife like a heart -- when people don't reciprocate that, because deep inside, I'm expecting feedback like that. Or when people start reciprocating but stop.

And yet, I realized after that conversation, Jesus was the ultimate example of that -- of rejection, of undeserved fate... and that salvation in Christ is too an example of the ultimate disparity: a Christian wanting to show his gratitude in some way, but being told that... you don't have to.

Just be yourself.

And realize that everything is not going to work out. Perhaps there are some friendships that have hit dead ends I should just let go of? Quality vs. quantity?

Perhaps moving on in a relationship is just as important as building up, and doing so does not represent failure, but maturity?

Thanks -- you know who you are.

[*No, not a DTR.]