Ryu2.mind

Once again, work is precluding me from blogging adequately, so once again, I'll let my pictures do the talking for now. Stuff from Tom and Nancy's baby shower, Beijing, and Xi'an. Lots of cute babies, and babies to come in these albums. =) Huan yin!

One thing that I don't get is how many people/organizations refer to China as "East Asia" when talking about the country (as opposed to the general geographic region composed of China, Japan, the Koreas, and Mongolia) in a ministry context.

I appreciate the need to be secure from a government which may be less than receptive, and there are many prudent security measures one should take when doing ministry in China or another restricted country -- eg, using encrypted communications and prudent IT security practices, not naming specific people, techniques, or places of ministry, etc.

But substituting "East Asia" for "China" as if the latter is some curse word? Come on. Do anyone REALLY think the Chinese government is so clueless that it can't figure that one out? They sent someone into space; I'm sure they realize just what all those well-intentioned but misguided folks mean when they say "East Asia".

Furthermore, the very fact that "East Asia" is used immediately draws attention to the fact that you want the name of the country hidden, and therefore, must be up to something involving deceit.

Thusly, many respected missions organizations (including the organization that pioneered modern missionary work there) eschew this silly and counterproductive obfuscation. But many others continue to do so. Why, I have no idea.

Anyhow, if something is so sensitive that you don't want to disclose even the name of the country openly, don't talk about it in an open forum... period.

Bugs in memory allocators suck. That is all.

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And so it begins. Over 60 folks, myself included, are going to be working seemingly every waking hour of our lives between now and February to produce it and make it into a reality -- a conference of 500 Asian-American believers interested in what God's doing abroad and how everyone's called to be a part of it.*

If this interests you, let me know -- I'd love to tell you more about it.

[*Yes, this is in ADDITION to my day job... =P]

Yet another work deadline has come and gone, and now I find time to reflect and introspect.

So, I had a conversation with a sister from church today. It started out somewhat superficial, but it became life-changing[*]. I like it when people are brutally honest with me, like she was. Several issues came up in that talk, the intersection between them which forms the crux of this entry.

You see, I'm certainly not a "gunner" type, I'll admit, but I don't like to fail -- whether in academics, career, ministry, or friendships. And recently, I've been plagued with insecurities over what I had perceived as "failure" in the latter category.

While many people at GrX who aren't intimate with me probably see me as someone who's humble, and content to be "behind the scenes", really, in my heart, I'm the opposite.

I live for explicit affirmation and assurance -- tho' the Chinese ren ren kua zhan probably represents it better in a succinct way than English. You see, analogously to grades, or performance reviews being a metric of my performance as a student or worker, what others visibly think of me have always been a metric for me in determining how I am functioning as a friend. Nor do I like those metrics to be ambiguous -- which explains my desire for "explicit" affirmation.

It's gotten to the point where it's like a addictive drug -- I get a buzz when someone "affirms" me, maybe by complementing me, by inviting me to an event, by sending me a card, etc.

Closely related to that, I try to be friends with everyone. For a long time, this has been my social MO -- whether at GrX, work, with college, high school friends. It pains me if I ever perceive a friendship "deteriorating", and I think like the shepard going after the one lost sheep, I really micromanage my relationships. Even if 99% of them are going well, if 1% feel I've "offended" them or made them "uncomfortable", I will lose lots of sleep and suffer emotional anguish over that.

That's how I've been viewing my friendships and relationships -- and the sister basically slammed me for it.

I think that part of it stems from my own past -- rejection has always been a demon I've battled because I'm different. When you live in a famine, you leap at the least scrap of food. And thusly, it was so for me, with the food being that of acceptance and assurance. Just like one can be addicted to food, so I think I've grown addicted as well.

I think that I've always had a sensitive spot for it. In my mind, I think to myself how I would never want to perpetrate the perceived injustices that others have forced on me throughout my life just because I was "different" from the rest. So I block it out, by trying to do exactly the opposite now that I'm building relationships myself. Even in this entry, I basically tell myself, I need to be a better friend -- but better in what way?

In trying to be "better", it hurts me -- cuts to the knife like a heart -- when people don't reciprocate that, because deep inside, I'm expecting feedback like that. Or when people start reciprocating but stop.

And yet, I realized after that conversation, Jesus was the ultimate example of that -- of rejection, of undeserved fate... and that salvation in Christ is too an example of the ultimate disparity: a Christian wanting to show his gratitude in some way, but being told that... you don't have to.

Just be yourself.

And realize that everything is not going to work out. Perhaps there are some friendships that have hit dead ends I should just let go of? Quality vs. quantity?

Perhaps moving on in a relationship is just as important as building up, and doing so does not represent failure, but maturity?

Thanks -- you know who you are.

[*No, not a DTR.]