Ryu2.mind

This entry is admittedly atypical for my page, both in subject matter, and in its "rawness", but nevertheless something I wanted to share, no matter how imperfectly.

Even though I don't know her that well, reading Nancy's latest entry really resonated with me. I've lost some cousins and all but one of my grandparents at various times. I lost a close friend in high school as well. I was sad, yes, sad as much to see my family/friends sad as well as sad over the loss itself. But it's something I've never allowed myself to really dwell much upon for most of my life. And yet, death, not of anyone in particular, but just in general, seems to be more real these days.

My parents (who are quite healthy and, God willing, have several decades of life ahead of them) were recently talking about where they wanted to be buried, and recently called me and my siblings over and told us the exact burial plot that they had reserved, going over all the details. It wasn't sad for me, but it certainly was a new dimension. Never have we faced the subject of death so openly and specifically as a family. Not even during the deaths of our extended family members did we really mourn for any prolonged period of time, but really just for the few days leading up to the funeral, and then just "hung out" like any other.

For me personally, I've always brushed death off too... not in the sense that I intentionally trivialize it, but it's not just something I've really wanted to face. It's not out of fear, but something more intangible and indescribable... the feeling that I want to concern myself with the present, the here and now, I suppose.

And yet, I've had some close calls, the closest being December 31 2001, in Hong Kong on a busy Nathan Road, when I, giddy with anticipation for the New Year celebrations soon to come, stepped off the curb without looking and suddenly felt the wind of a bus zooming by. Two seconds later and I wouldn't have been here most likely. Two seconds, but that didn't really faze me, although it certainly gave me a rush, and to this day, it's not something that I've really reflected on about the fickleness of life or anything else.

But slowly, it's changing. Death is closer now... not something to be feared, nor embraced, but something that I see more of, it seems. How should I be grasping it? I'm still figuring it out, but it's definitely something that's worth pondering.

For me, a somewhat ironic realization is this: with my unique and challenging past, so many details of life and living I've come to learn later than others... just basic stuff about behavior, social interaction, and human relationships that I'm just starting to fully realize. And now, I think I'm starting to learn about death earlier than many of my peers. So I guess that makes things even.

See you all from Beijing...

A trip to Beijing to discuss a potential future opportunity, a flurry of job interviews upon my return, the GrX retreat, and working on Jimmy and Inyoung's video for their wedding reception this weekend in Korea (uploading the final 300 MB file to Seoul as I write this), all in the space of 2 weeks. But yes, I'm still alive.

Beijing was fun as usual... stepping off the plane, I felt as if the ground was an old friend, welcoming me back. 欢迎光临！ I saw the first snowfall of the year as well, and that sort of put a new face, as my previous visits had always been during the spring or summer.

As far as future plans, while nothing has been resolved of course, in a way, things are moving forward... as if God is slowly telling me through small signs and nudges. It was the same way I felt my senior year when I was debating whether or not to go to China as well. And now this.

The retreat was a good chance to do some more reflection... I never really feel like doing much deep instrospection while abroad, anyhow. I realize that over the past 18 months, God's given me an abundance of time, and just like money, time is ultimately a resource not to be squandered away idly, but not to be abused either. For me specifically, it sort of gave me confidence that, despite my results-oriented need to feel "productive" somehow, spending all my time on the job front wasn't something that I needed to do. Not that I should be a totally lazy bum, but sitting and checking the Gamasutra jobs page every day isn't the best "stewardship", either.

God is definitely using this time delibrately to keep me on my toes -- that much is clear. Like a pendulum, I swing between contentment and anxiousness, waiting, wondering...

And of course, for those of you who'd rather look at pretty pictures, I've got them as well -- from both Beijing and the retreat...

In case you didn't know, in Windows XP, Microsoft has a new feature that will optionally send an "error report" to Microsoft whenever a program crashes.

Does Microsoft actually do anything with them? Particularly if it's a non-Microsoft program? If a program crashed too often, could Microsoft use its might to get the developer to clean up their code or else risk whatever nefarious tricks they might have up their sleeve? (Actually, for Eudora 6.0, I really DO wish that Microsoft would give Qualcomm some "influence", because that program is a piece of crap when it comes to stability!)

On the other hand, I can imagine Microsoft getting inundated with error reports from the crashing programs of CS106 students just learning about pointers, for instance. =) [In all fairness, the VS.net debugger traps them first.] If they got too many crashes from a certain student's computer, might that negatively bias a student's future chances of employment with Microsoft?

Ahh, conspiracy theories... gotta love 'em. Not that I seriously believe it, but still, I wonder... with millions of XP users, and probably millions of crashes here and there, how does MS process and mine all that data?

The Tennessean, a newspaper from the same home state as the creators of the LifeWay Rickshaw Rally VBS has written a fairly objective article
about the controversy surrounding this misguided attempt at a VBS
curriculum. Nothing too new here, but it does include a quote from
yours truly. =)

Happy thanksgiving!

Does anyone actually read my Xanga page? It seems that more and more of my friends have both Xangas and "another" web log as well. I've largely resisted the tempation to have two logs of my own, partly because I don't want to be a lemming jumping on the Xanga bandwagon, and partly out of practicality: I'm already lazy enough to update my "real" site as is, without having another log to tend to.

But then again, I'm sort of capricious and random in my daily thinking and ponderings, and it reflects in the style of my main log: a hodgepodge of entries ranging from reflections on operating system design to heretical writings about my faith to snippets of songs I hear. Simply put, there's no real coherent theme or direction in the main blog. But then again, is it important to have one?

Should I use the Xanga site as an "overflow" so to speak? Or maybe just a mirror of this page, so people can use the (admittedly useful) email aggregation features of Xanga?

Comments generously left here or on my Xanga page may sway my decision one way or the other...

我认为如果我的朋友Dave能用韩国语写他的blog, 那我也因该可以用汉语写一写。。。

我常常有检查我的服务器的纪录，因为对我来说，我为这网站看得人有兴趣。 有时候，我会看到人们从，比如来说，北京或上海在看我的网站。 在这两只城市里我有许多的朋友。

可是我也有发现从广东，辽宁，安徽，河北的省都有来到这网站。 我是不是有更多的中国网友?

请你们自己介绍介绍一点。。。=)