The Gifts and the Giver

I finally took the time to write out my testimony.

I just shared this with the Creative Arts Ministry people at my church, and was going to leave it at that.

Something though moved me just now, and I find myself posting this here.

Now, I've always been more open in writing and on this blog than in other media, but even this is unprecendented for me. This is quite literally, everything, stuff previously not revealed to this degree other than an absolute handful of my closest friends.

I don't know why I'm writing this on this public forum... this is not directed to anyone in particular, nor is it for any purpose -- I do not wish to draw attention or praise to myself or my own situation, but if it draws praise, let that praisebe to God.

Like my own life, I've decided do this this as something done in blind faith, that perhaps this seed sown may, somehow, yield fruit in someone else's life.

And thus it begins...

Even more importantly than telling you what this is, perhaps I should begin by telling you what this account is not: I'm not a convicted criminal, nor am I a recovering drug addict. I was never an official in a Communist regime. A self-introspecting philosopher is something that I would hardly describe myself as. I'm not going to preach a fire-and-brimstone sermon, telling you to repent for your sins.

Moreover, for me, there was no lightning or thunder from heaven when I decided to become a Christian, and indeed, there was no single instant that I feel divides my life into two periods.

I just want to tell my own story as I see it -- no fancy, flowing prose, no earth-shaking moments where God made His power known. And I simply hope that after having read this, you might think harder about some of these things, start asking questions, and start finding answers, as I ultimately did...

When I was young, it became apparent to my parents that I would be quite a task to deal with. Often times, I would be hyperactive, often making random noises or bodily movements in class. My parents and teachers were at wit's end about what to do about this maddening behavior. While I did well in my courses, they were almost lost in my heart compared to what else was weighing down on it.

Behind the shell of academics, there was a vast, dark, vacuum that I tried to fill in vain: that of acceptance. Who could understand me, and how could I show my love back? At times, I felt like the monster in Mary Shelley's Frankenstein: confused, bewildered, and looking for someone to see beyond my skin appearances, and to really understand my plight, my hopes, and my fears. But found it I did not, and so, I ultimately stopped looking, and created my own.

Beyond the facade of Mark, the star student, was a rebellious, spoiled attitude throughout childhood, and even high school and -- dare I say it -- a bit of college as well. I delibrately felt like I had to annoy and harass my fellow students to get attention. I often chose to detach myself socially, even from my own family, and immerse myself in my own bubble. Many times, after saying "Hi" to family friends, I would go back and immerse myself in my reading or computer games.

In eighth grade, something happened that rocked my world: it was discovered that I had minor Tourette's Syndrome, which were the cause behind the noises or sudden movements that I would make at times. While all of us were glad that there was now a cause behind this, I still did not find much ultimate satisfaction in this. My books and my computers became my closest friends. Their predictable worlds offered a refuge from the harsh and all too unforgiving environment of school. Often misunderstood by other students and teachers, it became a vicious cycle for me.

Who was my master? I didn't even know. The question had never occurred to me. In my shell, I felt firmly in control of my own life, while blinded by the reality that I was living in delusion, to cover up my own insecurity. Many times, I felt that my life and the things going through my deepest thoughts could very well fit in with the lyrics of the well-known Backstreet Boys' song: I wanted everything -- my fire and my desire -- my way. And indeed, at times it seemed to be "ain't nothin' but a heartache" -- for I never really wanted to hear anyone say: they wanted it their way over mine.

Where was Christ in all of this?, you might ask. Many times, I did just that myself.

I've been to church for most of my life, and my parents consider themselves believers. I went through the motions in high school -- participating in my church's youth group, and even leading a Bible study here and there. Yet, He was not real to me at all -- Christianity was like a philosophy, a set of moral guidelines to live by, illustrated by stories in the Bible.

Of course, all that was admirable, cool and all that, but why would Christ and God Himself be real in today's world? After all, science explains everything about the universe, and all these things in the Bible are just physically impossible. How could anyone put so much stock in it? Those super-radical Christians who meet in groups at schools, who go abroad to preach the Gospel, or pass out those booklets about God's "Wonderful Plan for Your Life" were dorks.

Even more emphatically, if He was truly real and wanted to work in my life, I would ask, why is my life like this? Why must I endure so many hardships?

And He remained silent.

Faith sees best in the dark.
-- Søren Kirkegaard

Soon after I got to Stanford, an older sister, Annie, who went to church with me back home told me about the group she was involved in on campus, called InterVarsity, and encouraged me to check it out. I went to the first meeting with hesitation. But I found a group of people who seemed genuinely interested in sharing with, caring for, and understanding each other -- as well as having fun at times! It was here that I really saw a strong body of people who loved the Lord, and seemed to really exude it. even in their interactions with me.

My fellow brothers and sisters of IV, and later FiCS (Fellowship in Christ at Stanford), were -- and remain very much so -- a tremendous blessing to me, and throughout the first two years of college, I made many friends who shared my interests, and most importantly, the Christian faith. Also, in particular I was able to see Christ work personally and powerfully in a close friend of mine that lived in the same freshman dorm as I did, which greatly encouraged me.

Yet, as much as I wanted to reach out to people, rather than machines, no matter how hard I tried, even during sophomore and junior year, I still felt as if our friendships were mainly superficial, as if I didn't truly belong with the rest of them, even though we were friends on the outside. I felt a gnawing sense of inadequacy, of a lack of fellowship. I had tasted encouragement, fellowship, and yet, I was coming up against a wall that hindered me from going any further and deeper. Was I faithful enough to Him? Could I accept this period of a spiritual plateau with no end in sight at times?

The summer after junior year, I realized this -- a truth that has been guiding me ever since then as a cornerstone:

I had to seek Him and Him alone. Not His gifts, not His blessings -- Christ is our hope, our joy, and it is whom we strive to be like.

God truly works in strange ways. During senior year, I was in an awesome discipleship group with four other brothers that I've gotten super close to, and most recently, I had the opportunity to share the Good News abroad to fellow students like myself last summer. I still don't know why He chose to remain quiet until then. But I do know that it is all for a purpose, so that I might learn about true faith, even in our temporary periods of struggles or darkness -- it is where faith indeed shines the most...

And so, it marked the first deep step of a spiritual journey that has continued to this day. It is a journey that has thus far showed me 1. showed me God's heart for the lost at home and worldwide, and 2. brought me to GrX, a church community that more than any previous church, I can call home.

Today, I am thankful for my brothers and sisters, my 哥哥s, 姐姐s, my 형s and 누나s here in CAM and other ministries -- but I realize that I am still far from perfect: I often still fall into the trap of seeking explicit affirmation, and encouragement from others without focusing on God first.

For I think back to Pastor Dave's sermon about entitlement, and I realize now I've often been serving with that mentality in mind, even though many people see me as being 'behind the scenes'. All my ministry, my service to GrX was really, deep down inside, a cry for help... a cry to be noticed, and to be affirmed, despite my differences.

And God's reminded me that even through all this growth, that I'm still a sinner, and He want me to focus on not the gifts, but the Giver. That has been the biggest spiritual lesson for me here at GrX.

Looking forward, I know that eventually, God will probably call me overseas (that is another whole testimony in and of itself!), just as he has already called five of my fellow GrXers, and I must then bid farewell, at least for several years, to this family of mine. But in the meantime, God has placed me here at GrX and in CAM, at this point in time, with my brothers and sisters to grow as a community and to serve, not for community or services' sake, but to really glorify Him and reflect His heart for the lost, and grow in our heart to seek Him first and foremost with His servant heart, not that of man. It's something I am still learning, learning which is at times painful momentarily, but ultimately joyful.

I ask but one thing, that you have faith -- that He will show you His realness in His good time, and that day to day, He might mold you to see His wonders. That if you do not see Him in your life now, you earnestly believe that He will come in -- not if, but when.

But, you might ask yourself -- "I just don't believe in any of this" Yet -- not believing in Him is as much faith as the faith that I put in Christ, and if such conviction is in our heart, than certainly, you might truly want to take a good, long look at it, and examine what's behind your own "faith."

To trust in Christ as Lord isn't a panacea for everything. It's not a get-rich-quick scheme advertised in the tabloids. It won't land you a job at Microsoft, McKinsey, or Morgan Stanley. It won't get you wealth, health, fame, or attractive members of the opposite sex. But there is something that it will give you: the gift of eternal life and walking partnership that is in Christ.

So I ask that you take a moment and ask yourself: Who or what do you love the most? Love so much that you live for it? And who's really in control?

It is the joy of following, living for Him, and Him alone. It is the wonder of knowing that He has your life as as an intricately-worked out part of His ways and thoughts, transcending all understanding. It is the passion to see Him be known among all the peoples of the Earth, and to see that joy of someone knowing Him for the first time being repeated all across the world.

I leave you with these words:

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. As the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater, so is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it. "
-- Isaiah 55:8-11

"I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, `Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you"
-- Matthew 17:20

I hope this has impacted you in some way, no matter how small. If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to contact me, and I'll do my best to address them. Thanks for reading, and God bless.